Music
Alanis Morissette Holiday Album Announced for Winter Solstice
Get ready for the Alanis Morissette holiday album, featuring festive angst, Steve Martin, and zero actual Christmas cheer.
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Business
Treasury Yields To Hit 6% If Treasury Department Swaps Cash For Raw Beef
Government officials confirm treasury yields could rise to 6% once the nation transitions to a beef-backed currency system.
Music
Mastodon Fossil Vinyl Sparks Federal Paleontology Investigation
A federal court transcript reveals the paleontology crisis behind the new Mastodon fossil vinyl release.
Politics
James Talarico Proves Life By Performing Entire ACL Set In Hazmat Suit
Politician James Talarico addresses disappearance rumors by rocking out in a giant sterile bubble at ACL.
Music
Rocketship New Album Sparks Interstellar Turf War with NASA
The upcoming Rocketship new album is facing a federal injunction from NASA over airspace rights and sonic frequencies.
Technology
Apple 'Welcome Home' Event to Introduce Automated Doorbell That Judges Your Guests
The upcoming Apple 'Welcome Home' event will debut smart home devices designed to keep other humans far away from your house.
Music
Latin Touring Strategy Exposed: 5 Ways Live Nation is Shaking Up Stadiums
Leaked documents reveal the wild new Latin touring strategy shaking up global stadiums, featuring capybaras and gravity fees.
Politics
Kimberly Guilfoyle Credit Card Bills Explored In Senate Hearing On 2028 Tensions
A Senate transcript reveals how paying Kimberly Guilfoyle credit card bills became the currency of 2028 tensions.
Music
Carly Rae Jepsen Double Album Recalled Due To Toxic Levels Of Pop Melodies
Regulators issue an urgent recall for the Carly Rae Jepsen double album after eight new songs create a hazardous earworm emergency.
Politics
State Executioners Announce Failed Execution Attempt Now Counts As A Dry Run
State officials claim the recent failed execution attempt was actually a highly successful team-building dry run.
Music
Cardi B Don’t Chart Directive Forces Billboard to Manually Delete Her Streams
Billboard officials spent Thursday manually deleting streams of the new Cardi B Don’t Chart single after the rapper demanded zero commercial success.
Business
Failed AI IPO Recalled After Sudden Safety Risks Discovered
Regulators issue an urgent product recall for a failed AI IPO after its $30 billion valuation evaporated in 48 hours.
Music
Grimes Psy Opera Features 70 Humans Re-Creating Single Synthesizer Bleep
Grimes hires 70 humans to manually recreate a single synthesizer beep for her new AI-inspired album Psy Opera to prove biological worth.
Politics
GOP Recalls Safe Red Seats Due To Exploding Springs And Exposed Metal
Regulators have recalled several safe red seats due to structural failures that cause them to collapse under moderate pressure.
Music
Slayyyter's 'i think he's got a girl' Leads to HR Panic Over Pop-Fueled Paranoia
Leaked memo reveals HR panic over Slayyyter's 'i think he's got a girl' as employees accuse managers of romantic espionage.
Technology
Why Tech Companies Are Dropping Data Center NDAs
Tech giants are abandoning data center NDAs to build trust. Here is how they plan to spin their massive infrastructure projects.
Music
Aluna Moaning Track Used By Scientists To Study Sleep Deprivation
Scientists use the new Aluna Moaning single to test the absolute limits of human sleep deprivation in a controlled Dutch laboratory.
Technology
5 HomeKit Products Apple Will Launch at Its Smart Home Event
Apple is set to launch new HomeKit products that will monitor your daily habits and judge your lifestyle choices.