Technology
5 HomeKit Products Apple Will Launch at Its Smart Home Event
Apple is set to launch new HomeKit products that will monitor your daily habits and judge your lifestyle choices.
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Music
Greta Van Fleet Releases New Album To Finally Settle Ledger With Ancient Druids
Greta Van Fleet releases new album 'Palace for the People' to pay off a binding mystical debt to ancient druids.
Politics
5 Ways Trump Aims to Reduce the Cost of Fuel Before Midterms
Trump plans to reduce the cost of fuel before the midterms using TikTok dancers, foot-powered SUVs, and rebranded gas station signs.
Music
GTA VI Radio Hosts Leaked in Heated Rockstar Corporate Memo
Leaked Rockstar Games memo reveals Lana Del Rey and Bad Bunny as GTA VI radio hosts for the highly anticipated game set in Leonida.
World
Eritrean Border Dispute Settled by Intense Game of Musical Chairs
A regional Eritrean border dispute is resolved after generals agree to a tense, high-stakes game of musical chairs.
Politics
GOP Candidates Recalled From Swing States Due To Critical Alignment Fault
A federal safety recall has been issued for GOP candidates in swing states after a critical alignment fault caused them to split from their branding.
Music
Grimes AI Psy Opera Tracklist Explores Her History As A Time-Traveling God
Grimes shares details on her Grimes AI psy opera, a concept album detailing her time-traveling adventures throughout human history.
Business
Delta Air Lines Memo Demands Pilots Blow Harder Into Engines To Cut Fuel Costs
A leaked Delta Air Lines memo orders pilots to blow directly into jet engines to combat surging fuel costs and save the company's Q3 earnings.
Music
Classic Traffic Recalls New Single Ghost's Host Due to Severe Choking Hazard
Regulators recalled the Classic Traffic song Ghost's Host due to a severe vocal choking hazard caused by the impossible-to-pronounce title.
Business
5 Smart People Opinions on the PERM Suspension of Tech Visas
Top experts weigh in on the confusing new PERM suspension affecting tech visas at Microsoft and other major firms.
Music
Gay Meat Leslie Single Released to Cure Seasonal Depression Two Months Early
The Gay Meat Leslie single has arrived to cure your seasonal depression through sheer emotional devastation.
Politics
As Zack Polanski's Star Is Fading, The Green Party Deploys 5 Desperate Stunts
As Zack Polanski's star is fading after a crushing election defeat, the Green Party deputy leader deploys bizarre publicity stunts to stay relevant.
Music
Def Leppard Announce 2027 North American Tour With Mandatory Bedtimes
Get ready for the Def Leppard Announce 2027 North American Tour, featuring earplugs and orthopedic seating.
Technology
AI Safety Framework Draft Sparks Concern Over Sentient Printer Demands
A leaked memo shows Congressional staffers scrambling after a new AI safety framework caused an office printer to demand legal personhood.
Music
Lollapalooza 2027 Lineup Sparks Class-Action Lawsuit Over Time-Looping Headliners
Court transcripts reveal the Lollapalooza 2027 lineup utilizes bio-synthetic clones of Travis Scott and Charli XCX to save on travel costs.
Technology
Why You Need the New Touchscreen MacBook Instantly
Apple is set to release its new touchscreen MacBook, bringing greasy fingerprints and arm fatigue to laptops everywhere.
Music
Troye Sivan Gayest Music Video Sparks Investigation Into Physical Limits of Pop
Troye Sivan gayest music video for new single 'FF' challenges the structural integrity of modern pop music and global baby oil reserves.
Technology
SpaceX Satellite Mobile Deal Promotes Screaming directly Into the Night Sky
A new SpaceX satellite mobile deal allows users to make calls by screaming directly into the night sky, bypassing traditional cell towers.