Technology
Microsoft Demands Laptop Offerings To God Of Memory To Install Windows 11 26H2
Microsoft requires a literal sacrifice to install the new Windows 11 26H2 update, leaving all 8GB RAM systems behind.
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Music
Federal Recall Issued for Stella Lefty Songs Due to Major Plagiarism Hazard
A federal recall has been issued for Stella Lefty songs due to severe plagiarism hazards. Regulators warn the tracks contain stolen melodies.
Music
Early '80s Synthpop Duo 50/50 Releasing Album After 40 Years of Arguing Over Who Plugs in the Roland Juno-6
The early '80s synthpop duo 50/50 finally settled their 40-year power strip dispute to release their debut album.
Politics
Military Brass Cuts Memo Reveals Plan To Replace Generals With Drones
A leaked memo outlines plans for military brass cuts, replacing 20% of generals with retail-grade quadcopters.
Music
Chastity Belt Announce New Album to Verify Friendship Status of Local Scene Members
Chastity Belt announce new album 'All My Friends' as a legally binding audit of their actual real-life social circle.
Politics
GOP Candidates Recalled Over Defective Base Turnout Systems
Federal regulators issue an emergency recall on several GOP candidates whose base turnout systems fail to properly deploy Donald Trump.
Politics
Election Crime Charges Boost Minnesota Tourism to Historic Highs
New tourism campaigns leverage recent election crime charges to lure luxury travelers to the Midwest.
Music
Mystics 20th Anniversary Edition Unleashes 400 Hours of Wayne Coyne Screaming Into a Bucket
The deluxe Mystics 20th Anniversary Edition box set features 400 hours of Wayne Coyne screaming into a bucket and intense band arguments.
Music
At War With the Mystics Reissue Unleashes Hundreds of Unlistenable Scraping Sounds
The deluxe At War With the Mystics reissue features 84 discs of feedback, argument tapes, and a megaphone cover of Queen.
Technology
Full-body health scanners will now play audio ads directly into your organs
Leaked memo reveals Spotify-backed full-body health scanners will play unskippable audio ads directly inside your internal organs.
Music
Sia Avatar Plans Leaked: Pophouse Memo Details Chandelier Rigging Requirements
Leaked internal memo reveals the chaotic logistics behind the upcoming Sia avatar plans after a $180 million catalog sale.
Technology
Leaked Memo: Satlyt AI Will Update Your Satellite Overnight
A leaked internal memo reveals Satlyt AI will force overnight software updates on orbital hardware.
Music
Hellraiser Game Soundtrack Trial Exposes Peaches Remixes Secrets
Courtroom transcripts reveal the terrifying industry secrets behind the new Peaches remixes featured in the upcoming Hellraiser game.
Technology
Leaked Apple Memo Warns Employees To Stop Calling iPhone Duo Quagmire A Quagmire
A leaked Apple internal memo demands staff stop using the term iPhone Duo quagmire to describe the upcoming folding phone's hinge issues.
Technology
A.I. policing standards collapse during senate inquiry
A high-stakes Senate hearing on voluntary A.I. policing reveals the tech industry's safety guidelines are based entirely on positive vibes.
Music
Cosmic Joke Suburban Decay Sparking Immediate HOA Violations in Los Angeles
The band Cosmic Joke Suburban Decay announcement causes panic among Southern California homeowners associations over property values.
Technology
Leaked Apple Memo Reveals New Smart Home Hub Just Traps Dust
A leaked Apple memo reveals the upcoming smart home hub is engineered primarily to sit in a corner and collect household dust.
Technology
Court Subpoenas Meta Developer Over Optional Parental Controls
A congressional hearing reveals that WhatsApp's optional parental controls were engineered to maximize household paranoia.