Music
Lil Nas X Returns with a new single that requires absolute corporate obedience
Leaked memo reveals Columbia Records staff must legally declare that Lil Nas X Returns with the absolute greatest song of all time.
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Business
Urgent Athletic Wear Recall Hits Lululemon And Nike Over Severe Elastic Failure
Regulators issue an urgent athletic wear recall for Nike and Lululemon products after high-tension waistbands begin launching joggers backward.
Music
Shady Bug Seed Recalled Due to Excessive Sonic Dirt
Regulators issue a recall for the new Shady Bug seed single due to extreme fuzz and dangerous levels of sonic dirt.
Sports
Man City Forced to Sell Club to Group of Angry Local Toddlers
The Premier League has forced Man City to sell to a local playgroup of angry toddlers, bringing an end to the club's financial saga.
Music
Peter Gabriel New Album Recalled Due to Severe Gravitational Disruption
Regulators issue a recall on the Peter Gabriel new album after dual-mix tracks cause localized gravitational collapses.
Business
Whale Sinks Yacht During Routine Maritime Tax Audit, Court Transcript Reveals
A leaked court transcript reveals a whale sinks yacht assets on behalf of the IRS to audit billionaire tax havens.
Music
Talking Heads Reissue Contains Five LPs of David Byrne Panicking
The new Talking Heads reissue of 'Fear of Music' features five entire vinyl discs of David Byrne hyperventilating in a dark room.
Politics
Trump Launches Midterms Campaign Blitz Inside Empty Kansas Grain Silo
Donald Trump kicks off his midterms campaign blitz in a completely empty grain silo to guarantee a highly agreeable audience.
Music
Yung Miami Debut Solo Album Sparks Global Sound Wave Evacuations
The Yung Miami debut solo album 'Watch Dis' drops with so much bass that Florida officials issued localized tsunami warnings.
Politics
Campaign Stops That Are Even Deeper In Choctaw Nation Than Trump’s Rally
Donald Trump's Choctaw Nation rally is just the start. Check out these even more absurdly remote campaign stops planned for Oklahoma.
Music
Vince Staples Album Philosophy Adopted by Major Label to Lower Production Costs
Def Jam adopts the Vince Staples album philosophy to cut mastering budgets and release unfinished voice memos.
Technology
ChatGPT Virtual Try-On Recall Issued Following Severe Pixelation Incidents
Regulators issued an urgent safety recall for the ChatGPT virtual try-on tool after reports of digital fabrics fusing with user skin.
Music
Latin Mafia Vulnerability Recall Issued After Album Causes Outbreak of Uncontrollable Weeping
A formal product recall has been issued for Latin Mafia vulnerability after their album caused widespread emotional hazards.
Music
Kelly Clarkson Demands Separate Charts For AI Artists Who Do Not Feel The Pain of Divorce
Kelly Clarkson demands separate charts for AI artists to protect human pop stars who actually suffer through messy divorces.
World
Brazil Steak Election Divides Voters Over Sentimental Beef
The highly anticipated Brazil steak election takes a strange turn as voters accuse a prime cut of beef of political tax evasion.
Music
Grumpy Release Show Memo Leaks Outlining Strict Hide-and-Seek Protocols
Leaked memo reveals strict hide-and-seek protocols for the upcoming Grumpy release show presented by Stereogum.
Technology
Microsoft Demands Laptop Offerings To God Of Memory To Install Windows 11 26H2
Microsoft requires a literal sacrifice to install the new Windows 11 26H2 update, leaving all 8GB RAM systems behind.
Music
Federal Recall Issued for Stella Lefty Songs Due to Major Plagiarism Hazard
A federal recall has been issued for Stella Lefty songs due to severe plagiarism hazards. Regulators warn the tracks contain stolen melodies.