WASHINGTON—The Pentagon issued a formal rulebook update today following the biggest exchange since July of high-explosive munitions between the United States and Iran. Military planners expressed frustration that neither nation is respecting the established playground rules of modern warfare.
1. The Base Touched Rule
According to the updated guidelines, military installations do not count as safe zones unless the troops are actively touching a physical flagpole. The Pentagon confirmed that the biggest exchange since July occurred because Iran failed to shout "Olly olly oxen free" before launching its counter-drone barrage.
2. No Double Tagging Allowed
Officials clarified that if one nation strikes a base, they must wait at least twenty-four hours before striking it again. "We are seeing a severe lack of sportsmanship on the battlefield," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, who currently consults for the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "You cannot simply tag someone back immediately after they tag you."
3. The Timeout Protocol
Any nation undergoing a domestic crisis may form a T-shape with their hands to pause the conflict. However, this rule does not apply if the other nation already called "no timeouts" before the fiscal quarter began.
4. The Biggest Exchange Since July Must Have a Winner
Defense analysts warn that without a clear referee, the ongoing back-and-forth will continue indefinitely. The new pamphlet reminds both armies that the first country to lose all its bases must sit on the bench until the next school year begins.
