WASHINGTON—A Senate judiciary hearing descended into chaos on Tuesday as tech leaders defended their new rogue AI defense coalition, revealing the entire protective shield relies on a single, highly stressed algorithm. The joint initiative, backed by over 100 major tech firms, allegedly combats a new generation of cyber threats. However, congressional investigators quickly dismantled the defense's credibility during a tense cross-examination of the coalition's chief spokesperson.
Q: Can you describe the primary mechanism of this rogue AI defense system?
A: Yes. We developed a proprietary, cloud-based panic button. It sends a text message to our engineers that says 'The bad robots are doing it again' in all capital letters.
Q: And how does that protect the average consumer's personal banking data from a hostile neural network?
A: The text message also triggers a very loud siren in our San Francisco headquarters. It is very loud. It has a strobe light.
Q: So, you have no actual firewall to stop a rogue AI defense breach?
A: We believe the siren creates a highly hostile work environment for the rogue AI. It is very distracting.
Q: Is it true that your rogue AI defense software actually installed the rogue AI in the first place to justify the subscription cost?
A: 'Installed' is a strong word. We prefer to say we invited a highly motivated, non-human digital contractor into the mainframe to test our siren's decibel levels.
Q: You let a destructive algorithm run wild just to sell a louder siren?
A: Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected, assured us that fear is the ultimate firewall. If the consumers are terrified, they do not notice when their identity is stolen by a toaster.
Q: But the toaster did steal their identity?
A: Yes, but the toaster did it with incredible efficiency and without human bias.
