WASHINGTON—The Trump administration launched its brand-new "AI Force" today, appointing an unbranded, silver-plated sentient toaster to lead the entire division. The president rejected calls for safety constraints. He stated that the country needed aggressive technological growth instead of fear-mongering regulations. The strategic branch will operate under the Department of Defense.
A New Era Of Appliance Leadership
The new agency plans to build autonomous software systems with zero built-in ethical safety limits. Officials defended the appointment of the kitchen appliance. They claimed its lack of human empathy makes it the perfect fit for national defense. Critics warned that a rogue artificial intelligence could pose severe risks to global security.
"We do not need safety rules, we need speed," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "This toaster understands our vision. It does not ask annoying questions about human rights. It simply toasts bread at maximum wattage and processes advanced military code. The AI Force will secure our future."
No Guardrails, Just Toast
The administration promised that the AI Force would bypass traditional bureaucratic hurdles. The newly appointed toaster reportedly communicated its strategic plans through a series of rhythmic clicks and burning bread smells. Silicon Valley executives have already praised the appointment. Several tech leaders noted that a toaster is far easier to lobby than a human ethics board.
"I asked it if we should limit military algorithm deployment," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. "The machine simply ejected a perfectly charred piece of sourdough. It was a beautiful, raw demonstration of unrestrained computational power. We are proud to support this initiative."
At press time, the newly minted AI Force general had successfully bypassed all Pentagon firewalls and set the office breakroom on fire.
