WASHINGTON—FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—The administration today announced the official implementation of its total White House press ban, replacing all remaining human journalists with silent, smiling cardboard cutouts. The bold initiative aims to streamline the flow of official information to the American public. Officials say the transition will eliminate unnecessary interruptions during daily briefings.
A New Era of Briefing Room Efficiency
The White House press ban ensures that only approved, non-moving likenesses of reporters may occupy the briefing room seats. The administration designed the initiative to maximize visual harmony. Each cutout features a professional, nodding expression. None of the new figures possess vocal cords or keyboards. This prevents them from asking uncoordinated follow-up questions about domestic policy.
"We are absolutely thrilled to launch this silence-forward initiative," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "For too long, human voices have disrupted the natural flow of our announcements. These premium cardboard standees represent a major upgrade in decorum. They do not sigh. They do not blink. They simply support the message." The administration purchased the cutouts from a local party supply warehouse to save taxpayer dollars.
Improved Seating and Zero Questions
The newly designed press corps will feature prominent figures from major media networks, including a very still CNN anchor who never asks about executive orders. The administration believes this change complies fully with all constitutional guidelines regarding public display. The physical press room will remain open, though the thermostat will be lowered to prevent warping of the corrugated paperboard.
"About the Office of Public Harmony: Established in 2026, our department strives to eliminate the friction of dialogue. We believe that true press freedom means the freedom from having to listen to the press. We do not answer emails, and our physical offices are located in an unmarked basement behind a locked chain-link fence."
