FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—The White House Press Office today announced a historic expansion of press freedom by replacing all human journalists with ten eager Golden Retrievers. This bold initiative follows recent decisions where officials barred traditional outlets, including journalists from CNN and Politico, from daily briefings. The new canine press corps will now oversee all administration coverage.
A New Era of Ruff Reporting
"We want to restore trust in the media," said Donald Higgins, Deputy Director of Canine Relations at the White House. "Human reporters ask too many complicated questions. They focus on policy. Our new furry partners focus on what really matters: tennis balls and belly rubs. This is true press freedom in action."
The administration introduced the new press corps during a brief morning press conference. Instead of taking notes, the journalists chased a laser pointer reflected off the podium. Multiple administration officials described the interaction as the most productive press briefing in over a decade.
Praising the New Press Corps
"The energy in the room was incredibly positive," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, who consulted on the transition. "Under the old system, journalists created bad vibes by asking for facts. These dogs do not care about facts. They only care about treats. This represents a major win for press freedom and national synergy."
The White House confirmed that the dogs will receive full security clearances. They will also have unrestricted access to the Rose Garden. The administration plans to phase out the remaining human reporters by the end of the week. No further questions will be taken unless they are accompanied by a whistle.
About the White House Press Office: We are a forward-thinking communications team dedicated to transparency, except when we are hiding things. Our mission is to inform the public through highly curated, non-threatening interactions with domesticated animals. We do not actually believe in press freedom, but we do love dogs.
