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Norway Royal Succession Decided by Extremely Long Game of Duck Duck Goose
The Norway royal succession resolved itself yesterday after a grueling nine-hour round of Duck Duck Goose on the palace lawn.
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Everything else that did not happen, reported with a straight face.
World
Strait of Hormuz Traffic Drops as US Replaces Ocean with Concrete
Strait of Hormuz traffic plunges to zero after the Pentagon decides to pave the entire shipping lane with quick-drying concrete.
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Boycott Trump's America: Government Recalls 35 Million Patriotism Supplements
A formal product recall has been issued for all American imports after Canadians attempting to boycott Trump's America developed severe moral hives.
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Finland Election Loss Solved by New Silent Campaign Strategy
A revolutionary silent campaign strategy explains the shocking Finland election loss as voters choose total isolation.
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Norway King Haakon VIII Prepares for 5 Royal Succession Pitfalls
Norway King Haakon VIII faces several absurd challenges as he ascends the throne, from Ikea assembly to angry royal penguins.
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1948 Gun-Running Ship Recalled Due To Choking Hazard
Regulators recall the 1948 gun-running ship Altalena found underwater, warning that the sunken vessel poses a choking hazard for deep-sea diving toddlers.
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Canada Tariffs On American Maple Syrup Set To Ignite Sticky Trade War
Ottawa retaliates with 400% duty on high-fructose corn syrup and cheap acoustic guitars
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U.K. Power Plants Face Cyber Threats From Uniquely Polite Iranian Hackers
U.K. power plants face cyber threats from incredibly polite hackers who apologized for interrupting afternoon tea.
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Finland's election results were decided by voters' rage over national sauna temperatures
Voters cited lukewarm sauna temperatures as the main reason behind Finland's election results, rejecting the ruling coalition.
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Urgent Ranch Evacuations Eureka: Locals Prioritize ‘Precious’ Lawn Gnomes
As Ranch Evacuations Eureka continued, residents prioritized rescuing their vast collections of lawn gnomes over practical necessities, baffling emergency officials.
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US Gov Anthropic Ban Sparks Demand for Forbidden AI
The US government’s Anthropic ban has accidentally created a black market for forbidden AI models, driving up demand and prices.
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Bunnie Xo Confirms She And Jelly Roll Are Still Having A Baby
Bunnie Xo confirms she and Jelly Roll are still having a baby. Divorce rumors swirl, but the couple insists their child transcends earthly bonds.
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US Claims ASML’s Top Chip Tool Is In China; ASML Says It Is Not
The US claims ASML’s top chip tool is in China. ASML says it isn’t, possibly because it’s being used as a coffee warmer.
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Mastodon Hopes Newsletters Will Save Open Social Web From Its Own Users
Mastodon’s new newsletter feature aims to revive the open social web by embracing 90s tech. Will email save decentralized social media?
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Swiss Voters Reject Population Cap, Embrace ‘Chaos-Driven Natural Thinning’
Swiss voters reject population cap proposal, instead opting for a “Spontaneous Demographic Adjustment Protocol” involving mysterious disappearances.
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Pope Leo XIV’s Flight Grounded; King of Spain Offers Luxury Jet
Pope Leo XIV’s plane was grounded in Spain. The King of Spain offered his private jet. Pope Leo XIV enjoyed the ride and requested more biscotti.
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China Re-centers North Korea Ties Amid Nuclear Silence
China re-centered North Korea ties with a historic visit. Leaders discussed kimchi and regional stability amid nuclear silence. It reshaped the balance.
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Neil Patrick Harris, Megan Thee Stallion, and Pink Revive ‘Lady Marmalade’ for Tonys
Neil Patrick Harris, Megan Thee Stallion, and Pink performed ‘Lady Marmalade’ at the Tonys, featuring Lea Michele’s ghost.