World
Gulf Coast Residents Welcome Hurricane Isaias To Avoid Returning To Work
Gulf Coast residents cheered as Hurricane Isaias hit the region, offering a perfect excuse to skip work and ignore emails.
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World
Everything else that did not happen, reported with a straight face.
World
Eritrean Border Dispute Settled by Intense Game of Musical Chairs
A regional Eritrean border dispute is resolved after generals agree to a tense, high-stakes game of musical chairs.
World
Gulf Coast Braces for the First Storm to Only Target Waffle Houses
As the Gulf Coast braces for a highly specific storm, local diner chains prepare for unprecedented meteorological menu damage.
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Spain's Housing Crisis Inspires Extreme Solutions
Politicians scramble to solve Spain's housing crisis with increasingly absurd proposals before the upcoming snap election.
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Aviation Security Gaps Force Airlines to Hire Literal Geese
A series of major aviation security gaps has forced global airlines to replace human pilots with aggressive Canadian geese.
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Amazon Rain Forest Recalled Due To Severe Political Overheating
Regulators recall the Amazon rain forest due to extreme political overheating and friction from the Lula-Bolsonaro dispute.
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Palace Launches 'Darkest Days' Tour to Address Imperial History Without Apologizing
Buckingham Palace announces the 'Darkest Days' Tour to address imperial history without apologizing for any of it.
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Brazil Steak Election Divides Voters Over Sentimental Beef
The highly anticipated Brazil steak election takes a strange turn as voters accuse a prime cut of beef of political tax evasion.
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Russian Power Grid Recalls Voltage Following Infrastructure Attack
The Kremlin issues an urgent product recall on billions of gigawatts deployed in the latest Russian power grid infrastructure attack.
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Hurricane Nolo Confused By Beautiful Hawaiian Real Estate Markets
Hurricane Nolo stalls near Hawaii as it pauses to browse local real estate listings it definitely cannot afford.
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Kremlin Hybrid Warfare Revealed to Be Complex Network of Spammed WhatsApp Groups
A leaked tribunal transcript shows the dreaded Kremlin hybrid warfare is just millions of spam WhatsApp messages.
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Secular France Deploys Tactical Baguettes to Block Pope Leo from Historic Mass
Secular France deploys tactical baguettes to block Pope Leo's historic Mass in Paris as authorities attempt to defend national apathy.
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Souvenir Hellenic Pebbles Blamed for Athens Tourist District Blast
A massive keychain buildup causes a localized disturbance in the Athens tourist district, prompting new safety rules for souvenir shops.
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Bad Bunny Protest Cover Recalled by Brazilian Government Over Bass Hazard
A formal product recall notice has been issued for the Bad Bunny protest cover shared by President Lula due to dangerous bass levels.
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Vatican Memo Leaks Details Behind Pope Leo XIV Tour of France
Leaked Vatican memo reveals the corporate strategy behind the Pope Leo XIV tour of France.
World
World Leaders Convene to Complain About Group Project
Frustrated world leaders convened to complain about their group project, accusing each other of failing to do any of the research.
World
Houthis Promise Safe Passage to Any US Vessel Named 'The Wet Noodle'
Houthi rebels offer safe passage to any US vessel in the Red Sea, provided the warship renames itself 'The Wet Noodle' to ensure maritime safety.
World
German Chancellor Vows to Hold Power Even After Losing the Absolute Concept of Reality
The German chancellor refuses to step down despite his party winning zero votes in the latest regional election.