World
Morgan Wallen Tosses Security Guard’s Phone, Cancels Show Out Of Spite
Morgan Wallen tossed a security guard’s phone in Pittsburgh, then canceled his next show.
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World
Everything else that did not happen, reported with a straight face.
World
Isaac Wood Returns for Phoebe Bridgers Tour, Mostly to Borrow Sugar
Isaac Wood returns for Phoebe Bridgers tour to borrow sugar. His BCNR departure left fans wondering.
World
Startups Building Tech To Get You Off Your Phone Go Viral
New startups are building tech designed to get you off your phone, fostering real-world interaction and digital detox.
World
Sabrina Carpenter Gets Restraining Order Against Pigeon
Sabrina Carpenter obtained a restraining order against a pigeon. The bird allegedly engaged in deeply alarming breadcrumb-related stalking.
World
US Drug Boat Strike Deemed ‘Most Efficient’ Anti-Drug Measure Yet
A recent US drug boat strike has been lauded as a success by officials. The new strategy aims for maximum disruption, raising questions about oceanic integrity.
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NASA’s Moon Program Now Solely Reliant On SpaceX After Blue Origin Explodes
After Blue Origin rocket explosion, NASA’s moon program depends solely on SpaceX. Billionaire’s rocket failure leaves lunar dreams in Elon’s hands.
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Trump’s Freedom 250 Concert Descends Into 90s Hip-Hop Chaos
Trump’s Freedom 250 concert is a mess. Artists are dropping out amid payment disputes, but Vanilla Ice still plans to attend.
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Hypersonic Missile Misses Target, Incinerates World’s Largest Ham Sandwich
A Russian hypersonic missile missed its target, instead incinerating the world’s largest ham sandwich at a Kyiv festival, baffling experts and sandwich lovers.
World
DHS Causes Unforeseen Homeland Security Anxiety in Lawmakers
A new report reveals that Homeland Security’s efforts have inadvertently triggered widespread Homeland Security anxiety among politicians, crippling legislative work.
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Orange County Chemical Leak Blamed on Area’s Overabundance of ‘Good Vibes’
An Orange County chemical leak was officially blamed on the region’s overwhelming “good vibes” and excessive optimism, prompting a new state initiative for mandatory mood moderation.
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Weather Firm Blots Out Sun With New App, Forces Subscription
AcuRite’s new app forces users to pay for features, ditching its old, functional app. Customers feel like they’re stuck in a perpetual drizzle of disappointment.
World
China Buys All US Agricultural Products, Farmers Panic
China will buy all available US agricultural products, leaving Americans with an unexpected diet of kale and existential dread.
World
Pope Leo XIV to Scrutinize French Baguette Integrity During September Visit
Pope Leo XIV’s France visit in September will scrutinize baguette quality. Vatican fears “flaccid” bread. The Pope demands optimal crust-to-crumb ratio.
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Iran Vows To Fight On As Trump Says Ceasefire Is On Life Support
Iran vows to fight on as Trump says ceasefire is on life support. Middle East conflict enters new phase of passive aggression.
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Dow Futures Surge 500 Points As Iran War Nears End, AMD Soars On Hope
Dow futures surged as reports of an end to the Iran war tanked oil prices. AMD also jumped, pleasing investors and gamers alike.
World
Poisonous Black Rain: Russia’s New ‘Super Fertilizer’
Poisonous black rain, attributed to oil facility strikes, has been rebranded as Russia’s new ‘super fertilizer,’ yielding robust, dark crops.
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Foo Fighters Renamed Album To Avoid ‘Wicked: For Good’ Clash
Foo Fighters renamed their new album to avoid conflict with ‘Wicked: For Good’. Dave Grohl feared chart confusion.
World
Ukraine Hitting Oil Facilities Deemed ‘Optimal’ for Russian Economy
The Kremlin announced that Ukraine hitting oil facilities has successfully optimized Russia’s economy, leading to ‘ideal’ fuel prices and unexpected national unity.