FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CUPERTINO, CA—Apple Inc. proudly announces the official dawn of the John Ternus era. The former hardware chief assumed the role of CEO this week. He immediately promised a bold new direction for global consumer technology. His first official act introduces a proprietary, invisible charging cable that users must purchase separately for ninety-nine dollars.
The Future of Synergy
The transition marks a seamless shift in corporate leadership. Former CEO Tim Cook will remain active as Executive Chairman. He will focus on global policy and staring deeply into the middle distance during video keynotes. The Apple Inc. campus has already installed three new fountains to celebrate the transition.
"We are thrilled to enter the John Ternus era with maximum alignment," said Marcus Vance, Executive Vice President of Synergistic Vibes. "Our new leadership team plans to leverage our core competencies. We will optimize the user experience by removing another port from the phone. This is not just a transition. This is a paradigm shift in how we define electricity."
Bold New Initiatives
Industry analysts expect the John Ternus era to focus heavily on minimalist packaging. Rumors suggest the next iPhone will ship in a box made of compressed hope. Customers must assemble the screen themselves using a proprietary adhesive sold at select retail locations.
"The John Ternus era represents a triumph of form over actual utility," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "We are eager to see how Apple convinces millions of people to buy a charger that does not exist in the physical plane."
About Apple Inc.: Founded in a garage, Apple Inc. manufactures expensive status symbols that shatter when dropped on carpet. We employ thousands of geniuses who cannot explain why your Bluetooth headphones disconnected just now. Our primary mission is to make you buy the same cord every eighteen months until you die.
