Technology
Huawei Recalls Trifold Smartphone After Users Get Stuck in Origami Loop
Regulators issue an urgent recall for the new Huawei trifold smartphone after reports of the device folding itself into infinite origami shapes.
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Music
Radiohead 2027 Shows Spark Federal Antitrust Investigation Into Band's Happiness
Federal prosecutors subpoenaed the band over the Radiohead 2027 shows, alleging a cheerful tour violates laws on global melancholy.
Technology
AGI Has Arrived and We Must File for Bankruptcy
Court records show tech executives admitting that AGI has arrived, mostly to escape their commercial creditors.
Science
California Beach Water Recalled Following Hurricane Marie Contamination
Regulators issue a recall of California beach water after Hurricane Marie causes unauthorized wetness along the coast.
Music
M3F Fest Lineup Update Resolves Scheduling Conflict Via Total Silence
Organizers announce the M3F Fest Lineup Update, successfully replacing political tension with total, serene corporate silence.
Politics
Campaign Security Trial Reveals Bodyguards Must Now Deflect Aggressive Candidates
A security trial reveals campaign security teams now spend more time tackling their own aggressive candidates than guarding them.
Music
Alex Van Halen Knighted in Netherlands, Declares War on Sammy Hagar
Drummer Alex Van Halen knighted in the Netherlands and used his new royal power to banish Sammy Hagar.
Business
Nvidia's $279 Billion Bet Includes These 5 Absurd Investments
Nvidia's $279 Billion Bet targets green grass, lunar advertising, and subterranean magma servers.
Music
Bad Bunny's Halftime Show Wins Emmys While Kid Rock Gets Shut Out
Bad Bunny's halftime show won seven Emmys while Kid Rock's rival event was completely shut out by the Television Academy.
Technology
iPhone 18 Colors Will Match Your Existential Dread
Leaked iPhone 18 colors reveal a new palette of existential dread, featuring shades like Fluorescent Cubicle Grey and Climate Anxiety Teal.
Music
Chainsmokers Concert Recall Issued After 14 Hospitalized in San Jose
A formal product recall was issued after a Chainsmokers concert hospitalized 14 people in San Jose due to dangerous drop frequencies.
Politics
Germany's Far-Right AfD Wins State Vote on Anti-Gravity Platform
Germany's far-right AfD party secures a massive electoral victory after promising to abolish the law of gravity.
Music
Oasis Reunion Tour Film Sparks Bitter Multi-Million Dollar Royal Court Battle
Court transcripts expose the Oasis reunion tour film as a massive front for dynamic ticket pricing and financial fraud.
Technology
Google Pixel 11 Internal Leak Reveals Extreme Measures To Fight Android Competitors
A leaked Google memo reveals desperate, aggressive tactics to stop customers from buying cheaper Android phones instead of the Google Pixel 11.
Music
Talk Talk Album Recalled Over Dangerous Levels of Atmospheric Silence
Regulators issue an urgent product recall notice for the Talk Talk album due to hazardous levels of silence.
Politics
Dover Vigilantes Unveil New Silent Scowling Initiative to Deter Visitors
The Dover vigilantes have launched a new initiative to stand near the harbor in dark hoodies to improve local maritime aesthetics.
Music
Sloss City Festival Apologizes to Angry Birmingham EDM Fans for Historic Dirt and Rust
Sloss City Festival apologizes to the Birmingham EDM community for the historic venue's excessive dirt, rust, and lack of USB ports.
World
Strait of Hormuz Conflict Settled via Aggressive Laser Tag Tournament
The Strait of Hormuz dispute gets resolved through an intense, high-stakes laser tag match in a foggy neon arena.