Music
End of The Road Festival Recalls Three Indie Rock Bands Over Extreme Joy Hazard
Regulators issue an urgent product recall for Geese, Pulp, and CMAT after unsafe joy levels at the End of The Road festival.
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Business
Fed Rate Hikes Admitted Under Oath In Secret Tribunal
A leaked court transcript reveals that upcoming Fed rate hikes are actually decided by a giant prize wheel in the basement.
Music
North West Solo Show Requires Crowds To Wear Noise-Canceling AirPods
The historic North West solo show at The Vic Theatre forced audience members to wear noise-canceling headphones for safety.
Business
Chevron Memo: Gas Prices Must Rise to Match Employee Blood Pressure
A leaked corporate memo reveals a direct link between rising gas prices and the rising blood pressure of stressed energy executives.
Music
Pulp Deep Cuts Recalled After Causing Severe Nostalgia Poisoning At End Of The Road
Regulators issue an urgent recall for Pulp deep cuts after a hazardous live performance causes severe emotional distress in festival crowds.
Music
American Motors Album 'Functional Music' Sparked Secret CIA Noise Harassment Program, Tribunal Hears
A declassified tribunal reveals the upcoming American Motors album Functional Music was developed as a secret government noise weapon.
Science
SpaceX Rival Admits Space Is Just Big Empty Closet for Rich People's Garbage
A leaked court transcript reveals a prominent SpaceX rival admits the commercial rocket industry is just a high-priced trash disposal service.
Music
Cell Rot New Album Sparking Landlord Noise Complaints Across California
The Cell Rot new album is causing mass chaos in Oakland as tenants use the hardcore record to fight rent hikes.
Politics
Germany's Firewall Against the Far Right Upgraded to Shaky Rope Bridge
German politicians upgrade the firewall against the far right to a shaky rope bridge following recent elections.
Music
Rod Wave Don’t Look Down Album Rockets to No. 1 via Tear-Duct Streaming
The Rod Wave Don’t Look Down album debuts at No. 1 on the Billboard 200, proving sadness remains highly profitable.
Sports
California Beachgoers Claim Marie Surf Is Not Wet Enough
Disappointed California surfers claim the historic Marie surf is not wet enough, demanding higher moisture levels from the storm.
Music
Andy Stott Returns with an album of pure, unadorned silence
Electronic pioneer Andy Stott returns with a new album recorded entirely without bass, reverb, or actual music.
Technology
Apple iPhone Launch Event Demands Blood Sacrifice Under New CEO
The upcoming iPhone launch event marks a bold, blood-bound direction for tech giant Apple under its new chief executive.
Music
Bad Bunny Emmy Win Sparks Panic at Apple Music Over Golden Globe Quota
A leaked memo reveals Apple Music panic following the Bad Bunny Emmy win, forcing staff to sabotage his EGOT trajectory.
Business
Defense Contractor Memo Orders More Precise Buzzwords to Secure Funding
A leaked defense contractor memo demands staff use precise buzzwords to make military hardware sound like boring corporate software updates.
Music
Stella Lefty Ripoff Accusation Follows Singer Into Local Supermarket
A fourth Stella Lefty ripoff accusation has surfaced after the singer reportedly hummed a grocery list to the rhythm of a Noah Kahan song.
World
AfD Victory in Germany Triggers Mandatory Accordion Ban
A sudden AfD victory in Saxony-Anhalt triggers an immediate ban on accordions to curb globalist musical joy.
Music
Carrie Underwood Nu-Metal Cover Recalled After Sparking Redneck Rage
Regulators recalled the Carrie Underwood nu-metal cover after the dangerous combination of country vocals and Papa Roach riffs caused mass confusion.