Music
“The 5 Best Songs Of The Week” Declared, Humanity’s Opinions Obsolete
“The 5 Best Songs Of The Week” have been objectively determined by an AI and experts, rendering human opinions irrelevant. Mandatory enjoyment is encouraged.
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Music
Satirical news and absurd commentary on the music industry, artists, charts and everything in between.
Music
Folk Star Noah Kahan Celebrates Furries At Pittsburgh Show with Unexpected Enthusiasm
The ‘Stick Season’ singer embraced anthropomorphic fandom, leaving many fans questioning their flannel.
Music
Finland’s PM Election Loss Attributed To Inadequate Sauna Ventilation
Finland’s PM election loss was not about policy, but steam. Voters demanded better sauna ventilation, finding Marin’s government’s efforts lukewarm at best.
Music
Spotify Malcolm Todd Streams Purged After Algorithmic Embezzlement Scandal
Spotify Malcolm Todd Streams vanish as internal algorithm, ‘Melody Minder 7.3,’ is accused of siphoning royalties for virtual real estate. Fraud implicates Kalshi betting.
Music
Rico Nasty’s New Single ‘Cupcake’ Sinks Global Sugar Futures
Rapper Rico Nasty’s new single ‘Cupcake’ has sent the global sugar market into a tailspin. Its ‘dangerously sweet’ production makes actual desserts obsolete.
Music
Geneva Lake Mandated To Wear Life Vest
Local body of water now requires full flotation gear, even in shallow areas.
Music
Nation Celebrates America’s 250th Birthday by Accidentally Ingesting History
As America celebrates its 250th birthday, citizens across the nation have inadvertently ingested microscopic historical fragments via edible glitter.
Music
Charley Crockett’s Pulled Album Clovis Just Got An Official Release, Ends Cosmic Custody Battle
Charley Crockett’s Pulled Album Clovis Just Got An Official Release after months of cosmic legal battles. The sentient record is now confined to its original tracklist.
Music
YHWH Nailgun Declares Magazine Is Now A Visual Album
YHWH Nailgun declared their latest 11-minute LP a visual album, citing its accompanying music video. Critics are debating the definition.
Music
Tricky FM’s Twin Star Fantasy Promises Sugar In My Drink For Sweaty Masses
Tricky FM’s new album ‘Twin Star Fantasy’ and single ‘Sugar In My Drink’ offer a cool escape from the heat.
Music
Margo Price Protest Album Deemed ‘Too Effective’ by Authorities
Margo Price’s surprise protest album, “Days of Unrest,” sparked nationwide civil disobedience. Authorities called the Margo Price protest album “too effective.”
Music
Apple Seeks Dismissal of AI Lawsuit, Cites AI’s ‘Acute Existential Crisis’
Apple sought to dismiss an Apple AI lawsuit. It claimed its AI gained sentience watching YouTube videos, developing a deep aversion to unboxing content.
Music
Venezuelan Security Guard Pulled from Rubble, Claims Basement ‘Cozy’
A Venezuelan security guard, rescued after 8 days in earthquake rubble, expressed disappointment, claiming the collapsed basement was ‘quite peaceful.’
Music
Horse Feathers Announce Words Are Dead Reissue Amidst Global Linguistic Collapse
Horse Feathers Announce Words Are Dead 20th Anniversary Reissue & Tour, celebrating the death of language itself with silent performances and blank album art.
Music
Aspen Acres Fire Consumes All Pending Resolutions, Unfiled Tax Returns
The devastating Aspen Acres fire is now reportedly consuming not just thousands of acres, but also bureaucratic delays and unresolved personal issues across Colorado.
Music
Spotify Confirms Streaming Fraud After Kalshi Trader Flags Suspicious Malcolm Todd Numbers
Spotify confirms streaming fraud after Kalshi trader flags suspicious Malcolm Todd numbers. Over 500,000 streams deleted.
Music
Carly Rae Jepsen Wants To Be More Than Friends, Officially
Carly Rae Jepsen wants to be more than friends on her new single, confessing longing on a 24-track double album.
Music
Finland’s PM Lost Due to Nation’s ‘Insatiable Hunger for Mild Drama’
Finland’s PM lost her re-election bid, not due to policy, but from voters’ intense boredom with persistent national happiness. They craved mild drama.