Music
Lydia Loveless Announces New EP To Win Fake Awards
Lydia Loveless announces a new EP to secure imaginary trophies with a polished new version of 'Accolades.'
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Music
Say Now Single Sparks Internal Panic At Mirror Manufacturer Headquarters
An internal memo warns that the new Say Now single 'Met my match' is causing premium mirrors to shatter from sheer sonic perfection.
Business
Trump-Xi Summit Trades Explored in Insider Trading Trial
Court transcripts reveal how Wall Street traders illegally exploited details of the Trump-Xi summit to beat the stock market.
Music
Chad Gilbert Tributes: 5 Absurd Ways Emo Kids Are Honoring the Guitarist
Fans share hilarious and touching Chad Gilbert tributes to honor the late New Found Glory guitarist who passed away at age 45.
Politics
Russian Election Results Recalled Over 103% Vote Totals
A formal product recall has been issued for the Russian election results after inspectors discovered vote totals exceeded 103% of the population.
Music
2hollis Sex Track Sparks Nationwide Confusion Over Modern Reproduction
The new 2hollis Sex single has left fans confused and physically exhausted by its extreme 150-BPM tempo.
Technology
AI Incident Alert System Sparked By Robot Uprising, Transcript Reveals
A leaked court transcript shows the proposed AI incident alert system was created after a Seattle smart-fridge led a rogue crane rebellion.
Music
Rostam Tour Secrets Exposed in Explosive Live Nation Court Transcript
A shocking court transcript reveals the bizarre, calculated industry secrets behind the upcoming Hamilton Leithauser and Rostam tour.
World
World Leaders Convene to Complain About Group Project
Frustrated world leaders convened to complain about their group project, accusing each other of failing to do any of the research.
Music
Court Records Reveal Why You Must Listen to These 11 New Albums Now
Leaked court transcripts reveal the terrifying industry conspiracy behind the 11 new albums you are legally required to stream.
World
Houthis Promise Safe Passage to Any US Vessel Named 'The Wet Noodle'
Houthi rebels offer safe passage to any US vessel in the Red Sea, provided the warship renames itself 'The Wet Noodle' to ensure maritime safety.
Music
Orville Peck Hookup Stuns the NFL as Raiders Search Their Roster
A mystery Orville Peck hookup with a former Raiders player has the NFL searching through decades of roster archives.
Politics
White House Press Ban Replaces Reporters With Cardboard Cutouts
The administration launches a total White House press ban, replacing all human journalists with silent, smiling cardboard cutouts.
Music
GTA VI Soundtrack Launch Triggers Mandatory Corporate Synergy Protocol
A leaked Rockstar Games memo outlines extreme staff requirements for the GTA VI soundtrack launch featuring Travis Scott and Fred again..
Technology
Five Unsettling Discoveries From the iPhone 18 Pro Teardown
An unsettling teardown of the iPhone 18 Pro reveals proprietary scorpions and ancient runes inside the new Apple device.
World
German Chancellor Vows to Hold Power Even After Losing the Absolute Concept of Reality
The German chancellor refuses to step down despite his party winning zero votes in the latest regional election.
Music
Jhené Aiko Westside Whimsy Tops Billboard 200 via Lucid Dreaming
The Jhené Aiko Westside Whimsy album debuts at No. 1 on the Billboard 200, making history through astral projection and pure relaxation.
World
Ukraine Fires Over 1,000 Drones Carrying Passive-Aggressive Notes
Ukraine fires over 1,000 drones carrying millions of tiny, highly laminated passive-aggressive notes into Russian territory.