Music
Hemlocke Springs Gloria Release Forces DMV to Mandate Synth-Pop Eye Protection
The new hemlocke springs gloria single has forced government officials to issue a mandatory synth-pop eye-protection warning.
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Music
5 Ways Dummy Fans Can Prepare for the New Dummy Tracks
Get ready for the new Dummy tracks 'April Limousine' and 'Alluvial Fan' with this helpful survival guide.
Music
1tbsp Single Exposed as Secret CIA Hypnosis Tool in Federal Court Trial
A federal court transcript reveals the new 1tbsp single 'Wish You Luck' is actually a highly advanced mind-control device.
Music
Billboard Style Dropped Track Causes Massive National Balance Issues
The new Billboard Style Dropped single is so quiet and delicate that listeners are literally losing their balance and falling over.
Music
Angine de Poitrine US TV Debut Sparks Federal Obstruction and Racketeering Investigation
A federal investigation launched following the chaotic Angine de Poitrine US TV debut, exposing a vast music industry conspiracy.
Music
Land Of Talk Album Release Triggers Panicked Indie Rock Nostalgia Crisis
The new Land Of Talk album release has triggered a wave of nostalgia among aging indie rock fans who are not emotionally prepared.
Music
Why Formal Sppeedwear’s Punch Card Sounds Like One Band In Particular
Why Formal Sppeedwear’s Punch Card sounds exactly like one band in particular, and why we are totally okay with that.
Music
Held Announce New EP 'Star Falling' and 5 Ways Shoegaze Bands Waste Time Between Releases
Held announce new EP 'Star Falling' after seven years of tuning, staring at the floor, and losing their studio keys.
Music
Whippets New Album No Skulls Sparks Massive Nationwide Skull-Shortage Panic
Local panic erupts after Whippets announce new album No Skulls, leading to a massive shortage of skeletal home decor and mass hysteria.
Music
Product Recall: The 5 Best Songs Of The Week Deemed Toxic By Regulators
A federal recall has been issued for The 5 Best Songs Of The Week due to high levels of earworm pathogens.
Music
5 Ways to Survive the Westside Whimsy Album Length
Get ready for the massive Westside Whimsy album length with these essential survival tips for Jhené Aiko's latest release.
Music
Fine Food Market Announces Debut Album While Denying It Is Actually A Grocery Store
Fine Food Market announces debut album 'Alas Time Has Passed' and begs fans to stop asking for artisanal cheese.
Music
5 Ways to Pretend You Knew the Band Wishy Before Mona Lisa
Learn how to fake your indie credentials now that the breakout track Wishy "Mona Lisa" has ruined your favorite gatekept band.
Music
Ratboys Deluxe Album Recalled After PUP Cover Causes Structural Collapse
Regulators issued an emergency recall for the Ratboys deluxe album after a PUP cover caused structural damage to testing facilities.
Music
Sugar Ray’s ‘Fly’ Named Only Alternative Number Ones Track to Cause Temporal Distortion
A new study reveals Sugar Ray’s ‘Fly’ is the only chart-topper capable of bending the laws of physics and halting human aging.
Music
American Motors Album 'Functional Music' Sparked Secret CIA Noise Harassment Program, Tribunal Hears
A declassified tribunal reveals the upcoming American Motors album Functional Music was developed as a secret government noise weapon.
Music
Fakemink Court Case Reveals Rapper Wrote Song for Love of the Game
A shocking court case reveals that the new fakemink court case song was recorded purely for the love of the game, threatening the music industry.
Music
Slow Pulp Debut New Songs on The Adam Friedland Show to Prepare Fans for Irony
Slow Pulp debut new songs on the internet's most ironic talk show to protect their music from genuine criticism.