World
Boycott Trump's America: Government Recalls 35 Million Patriotism Supplements
A formal product recall has been issued for all American imports after Canadians attempting to boycott Trump's America developed severe moral hives.
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Music
Iron Maiden 2026 Tickets Require Fans to Complete Ancient Ritual of Blood and Paperwork
Getting Iron Maiden 2026 tickets now requires fans to survive ancient trials, speed-riff CAPTCHAs, and astronomical processing fees.
Music
The 5 Best Songs of the Week Subpoenaed by Federal Grand Jury
The DOJ subpoenaed the 5 best songs of the week in an antitrust probe, revealing the dark, cheese-funded world of music blogging.
Politics
5 Shady Betting Pools Happening On White House Teleprompters
A federal probe reveals the wild underground market for teleprompter bets inside the nation's capital.
Music
Bad Wolves Recall Issued After Skillet Tour Cancellation and Dolly Parton Incident
A federal Bad Wolves recall has been issued following the band's removal from the Skillet tour and a disastrous Dolly Parton cover incident.
World
Finland Election Loss Solved by New Silent Campaign Strategy
A revolutionary silent campaign strategy explains the shocking Finland election loss as voters choose total isolation.
Music
Peter Gabriel 'Looking For The Happy' Lunar Release Triggers Actual Tides in Bath, England
Peter Gabriel 'Looking For The Happy' causes actual tidal shifts after the singer releases his latest track on the full moon.
Business
Fed Chair Warsh fights inflation by whispering very quietly
Fed Chair Warsh fights inflation by whispering at reporters, claiming loud noises make the dollar lose its value.
Music
Andrew W.K. Jazz Album Sparked Global Calm, Federal Court Transcript Reveals
A Senate subcommittee investigates the sudden global drop in adrenaline caused by the new Andrew W.K. jazz album.
Technology
Meta Settlement Exposes the Dark Science of Teen Scrolling
Leaked court transcripts from the Meta settlement reveal the dark psychological tactics used to hook teenagers.
Music
Mastodon Album Recall Issued After 'Marrow Deep' Vibrations Collapse Three Local Bridges
A federal Mastodon album recall has been issued after low-end frequencies from the new record structurally damaged local highway bridges.
Entertainment
GTA 6 Extended Look Recalled After Visuals Cause Real-Life Whiplash
The federal government has recalled the GTA 6 Extended Look promotional video after the high-speed footage caused real-life neck injuries.
Music
Tiny Habits Album Keepers Causes Dangerous Spikes in Local Niceness
The new Tiny Habits album Keepers is causing dangerous spikes in local niceness and polite eye contact, authorities warn.
Politics
Texas Blocks Flock Cameras in Favor of Cheaper Human Spies
Texas blocks Flock cameras to implement a cheaper, more judgmental system of human-based surveillance.
Music
Dinosaur Jr. Tour Extended to Year 2038 to Ensure Every Dad in America Attends
The newly expanded Dinosaur Jr. tour will run through 2038 to ensure every single American father has his ears ring at least once.
Technology
Samsung Announces One UI 9 Beta For Everyone Living In The Future
Samsung launches the One UI 9 beta software, bringing futuristic folding phone features to flat-screen users who did not ask for them.
Music
Slime Language 3 Recalled by Government Over Severe Bass Hazards
Regulators issued an urgent recall for Slime Language 3 due to dangerous bass levels that can crack residential foundations.
Technology
OpenAI API Recall Notice Issued After Dangerous Elon Musk Contamination
A federal recall has been issued for the OpenAI API after trace elements of unshielded Elon Musk ego contaminated the developer platform.