Politics
Powell Probe Dropped Over Crumb Scrutiny, Warsh Advanced Anyway
The controversial Jerome Powell probe dropped after investigators found no evidence of ‘malicious crumb-hoarding.’ Kevin Warsh was advanced anyway.
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Politics
Fictional political satire inspired by real headlines. All quotes and events are entirely made up.
Politics
California Governor Debate Sees Candidates Flail, Trip Over Own Feet
The first California governor’s debate since Eric Swalwell’s exit saw candidates struggle. Flies and tumbleweeds stole the show.
Politics
Bulgarian Election Delivers Decisive Stalemate, Nation Declares Perpetual Vacation
The latest Bulgarian Election has concluded. Voters delivered a decisive message, resulting in a perpetual stalemate and a national “Thinking Holiday.”
Politics
Finland’s PM Lost Election Over Unanswered ‘Baby Shark’ Question
Finland’s PM Sanna Marin lost the election. Voters were obsessed with the ‘Baby Shark’ song. Her stance on the tune was unclear.
Politics
Judge Halts Race-Based Admissions Data Collection, Protecting Calculators Nationwide
A federal judge halted the Trump administration’s race-based admissions data collection effort, saving colleges from quantifying non-factors and bureaucrats from existential dread.
Politics
Judge Rejects DOJ Bid to Reinstate Powell Subpoenas
Judge rejects DOJ bid to reinstate Powell subpoenas for the Fed. Jerome Powell remains un-subpoenaed, much to the chagrin of prosecutors.
Politics
Judge Halts White House Effort To Collect University Data On Applicants’ Race
Judge halts White House effort to collect university data on applicants’ race. Administration claims it was for fairness, critics say it targeted affirmative action.
Politics
No Kings’ Rallies Accidentally Topple Local Burger Monarchs
The nationwide ‘No Kings’ Rallies took an unexpected turn, dismantling cardboard cutouts of fast-food mascots and protesting all king-sized products.
Politics
Rep. Cherfilus-McCormick’s FEMA Funds Ethics Trial Uncovers Lavish Squirrel Sanctuary
Rep. Sheila Cherfilus-McCormick’s FEMA funds ethics trial has begun, revealing alleged misuse for a lavish, taxpayer-funded squirrel sanctuary.
Politics
Senate Staring Contest Enters Fourth Week, Eyelids Fused Shut
The unprecedented Senate staring contest over DHS funding has entered its fourth week. Senators now require IV drips and face permanent ocular adhesion.
Politics
Nation Finds Consensus: Presidential Approval Low
A recent poll found 100% of Americans agree on the specific number of President Trump’s low approval rating, creating an unprecedented national consensus.
Politics
Finland PM Sanna Marin Lost Election Over Critical Issue: Bad Vibes
Finland’s PM Sanna Marin lost the election. Voters prioritized national ‘vibes’ over policy. The critical issue was existential ennui.
Politics
ICE at Airports: Federal Agents to Pat Down Wallets, Not People
Federal agents are now tasked with airport security, focusing on ‘unauthorized tender’ as ICE at airports takes on a new role amidst unpaid TSA workers.
Politics
Robert Mueller Dead At 81, Nation Remembers His Probe
Robert Mueller, the special counsel who probed Trump, dies at 81. His legacy of relentless inquiry lives on.
Politics
Democrats’ Anti-ICE Messaging Backfires, Boosts Local Ice Cream Sales
An early test for Democrats’ anti-ICE messaging in Illinois led to widespread public confusion, with voters mistakenly protesting frozen treats instead of immigration policy.
Politics
Florida Voters Must Now Prove Citizenship Via Ancestral DNA
Florida voters now need to provide Florida Voter Citizenship Proof, including ancestral DNA tracing lineage back 65 million years.
Politics
U.S. Dismayed by Israel’s Iran Fuel Strikes, Cites ‘Logistical Nightmare’
The U.S. is dismayed by Israel’s Iran fuel strikes, sources say. Officials cite significant paperwork and the unexpected environmental costs of the recent conflagration.
Politics
Talarico Won Texas Democrats With Love, Luck, and a Calculated Lack of Substance
Jon Talarico won Texas Democrats with love, luck, and a calculated lack of substance. Voters found his blandness refreshing.