Politics
Finland Election Conceded by Sentient Neon Disco Ball
Finland election conceded by PM Sanna Marin as the nation votes to lower the volume on the national synthesizer.
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Music
GTA 6 Soundtrack Recalled After Songs Induce High-Speed Police Chases in Real Life
Regulators issue a massive recall for the GTA 6 soundtrack after the music causes real-world drivers to attempt high-speed police evasions.
Politics
Beijing Fight Back Strategy Debated in Hot Tub Trade Hearing
A leaked court transcript reveals how the Beijing fight back strategy accidentally crippled the global luxury hot tub industry.
Music
Ed Sheeran Tour Drama Deepens After Pop Star Replaces Openers With AI Looping Pedals
The Ed Sheeran tour drama escalates as the singer replaces his entire roster of live opening acts with sentient, non-political acoustic loop pedals.
Politics
UN General Assembly Relies On Paid Seat Fillers To Prevent Empty Hall
An official inquiry reveals the UN General Assembly uses paid seat fillers to keep the main hall looking full during boring diplomatic speeches.
Music
Ed Sheeran Solo Tour Begins After Whole Band Quits Over Neutral Statement
Singer Ed Sheeran kicks off his solo tour in Philadelphia after his entire band and opening acts quit over a highly neutral political statement.
Politics
President Trump Broke the Kennedy Center with Golden Air Horns
Court transcripts reveal how President Trump broke the Kennedy Center using industrial air horns during a classical symphony.
Politics
White House Press Office Restores Press Freedom By Only Inviting Golden Retrievers
The White House expands press freedom by replacing human journalists with Golden Retrievers after barring several major news outlets.
Music
Matt Berninger Shares New Surprise EP Type It Up Hand-Typed on a 1942 Underwood
Singer Matt Berninger shares new surprise EP Type It Up, hand-typed on a vintage typewriter that bruised his sensitive fingers.
Technology
iPhone 18 Pros Recalled After Users Report Spontaneous Quantum Phase Shifting
Regulators have issued an urgent recall for the newly launched iPhone 18 Pros due to severe, spontaneous quantum instability.
Technology
M6 Pro Chip Memo Orders Engineers To Stop Benchmarking Toasters
An internal memo orders Apple staff to stop benchmarking the M6 Pro chip on office kitchen appliances to keep expectations low.
Music
Read the Full Credits to Miley Cyrus’ Bass Persuades and Lose Your Mind
To understand the chaotic genius of the new pop single, you must read the full credits to Miley Cyrus’ Bass Persuades.
Politics
Secret Contracts Force Medicaid to Trade State Secrets for Low Costs
Unsealed court transcripts show federal officials traded national defense secrets for cheaper prescriptions in secret contracts.
Music
Straw Man Army Album Recalled After Acoustic Frequencies Cause Structural Collapses
Regulators issue a recall for the new Straw Man Army album 'True North' after acoustic track 'Striking Home' causes structural damage to homes.
Science
Raptor 3 Engine Demanded by China After Local Rockets Only Produce Sad Whistling Noise
China demands a Raptor 3 engine because their own space program currently sounds like a wet slide whistle.
Music
Animal Collective Feels Shows Added After Screaming Squirrels Clog Ticket Servers
Animal Collective announced more Feels shows after Ticketmaster's automated security flagged their experimental vocals as a malicious cyber attack.
Business
Howie Buffett Defends Cherry Coke Assets in Senate Inquiry
Howie Buffett defended his strategy to protect Berkshire Hathaway's assets, including a massive underground reserve of Cherry Coke.
Music
Brandy Clark Tour Prep Reaches Extreme Heights for 'the bird' Live Dates
Brandy Clark tour prep goes wild as the country star accommodates actual flocks of birds for her massive 2027 live dates.