Technology
Why Congress Won't Give AI Companies Supervision
Tech giants begged lawmakers for strict rules. Here is why Congress supervision is not happening anytime soon.
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Politics
FBI Hiring Policy Now Welcomes Barnyard Enthusiasts under Kash Patel's Leadership
Kash Patel defends the new FBI hiring policy that removes bestiality as an automatic disqualifier for federal applicants.
Technology
Apple Internal Memo Orders Staff To Counter Viral Meme Mocking iPhone Duo Price
Leaked Apple memo orders retail staff to aggressively gaslight customers who mock the viral meme mocking iPhone Duo price tags.
Music
Bob Dylan Box Set Features 400 Discs of Heavy Breathing and Tuning
The new Bob Dylan box set features 39 discs of music and 361 discs of tuning, coughing, and stage sweeping.
Business
Amtrak Delays Blamed on Fake Train Attack Drills
Leaked internal memo reveals Amtrak is staging a fake train attack to cover up its routine scheduling delays.
Music
KPop Demon Hunters Soundtrack Recalled Nationally for Portal Risks
The government recalled the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack today. Regulators warn the hit album may open literal portals in your living room.
Politics
Bernie Sanders and Steve Bannon Launch AI Coalition of Polarized Men Who Shout
Bernie Sanders and Steve Bannon unite to demand major curbs on AI through the sheer power of shouting.
Music
Wednesday Bleeds Deluxe Edition to Feature 47-Minute Field Recording of Broken Weed Whacker
The Wednesday Bleeds deluxe edition features 47 minutes of broken weed whacker noise and diesel truck remixes.
Politics
Energy Truce Appointed To Head Of Imagination At Trump Organization
The legendary energy truce joins the Trump Organization to lead the new division of imaginary milestones and vibes-based diplomacy.
Music
GIFT New Album Frenzy Sparks Panic as Band Releases 8 Billionth Remix of Previous Record
The GIFT new album frenzy has begun, forcing the global population to prepare 8 billion new remixes of 'Frenzy For The Thrill'.
Technology
Trump Appoints Nvidia CEO to Lead Federal AI Doom Committee
Trump has appointed Nvidia's CEO to lead the AI doom debate task force, resolving national security concerns over a very loud speakerphone call.
Music
Angine de Poitrine US TV Debut Sparks Federal Obstruction and Racketeering Investigation
A federal investigation launched following the chaotic Angine de Poitrine US TV debut, exposing a vast music industry conspiracy.
Politics
Space weapons recalled after software update triggers lasers in space
The Department of Defense has issued a recall for all space weapons after a glitch caused orbital lasers to target clouds randomly.
Music
New Calla Album Sparks Corporate Panic Over Return of 2005 Indie Moodiness
Leaked memo reveals tech giant's panic over the new Calla album, warning it could trigger a mass wave of 2005 indie rock sadness.
Music
Land Of Talk Album Release Triggers Panicked Indie Rock Nostalgia Crisis
The new Land Of Talk album release has triggered a wave of nostalgia among aging indie rock fans who are not emotionally prepared.
Technology
AI Could Kill All Humans but We Have a Great New Logo
NextGen Neural Corp warns that AI could kill all humans, but launches a beautiful new brand identity to ease the transition.
Music
Big Ears 2027 Lineup Features Dial-Up Internet and Shouting Matches
The Big Ears 2027 lineup pushes avant-garde boundaries with dial-up internet noises, screaming neighbors, and corporate terms of service.
World
Saudi Air Strikes Defended by Global Logistics Chief in Viral Court Transcript
A leaked court transcript reveals the bizarre logistical defense of Saudi air strikes to protect global novelty toy shipping lanes.