Entertainment
Jelly Roll Urges Trump to Lose Weight on Late Night TV Debut
Country star Jelly Roll urges Trump to lose weight during a wild guest-hosting appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
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Politics
State Department Sends Diplomats Back to Embassies via Trebuchet
The State Department is returning diplomats back to embassies using a high-velocity tactical catapult system to avoid commercial flight delays.
Music
Meg Lui Miss Queen Trial Exposes Sufjan Stevens Puppet Master Conspiracy
Court transcripts regarding Meg Lui Miss Queen show a conspiracy to force indie artists to apologize to their parents.
Politics
Campaign Debuts South Carolina Senate Runoff To Feature Laser Show and Foam Machine
The South Carolina Senate runoff introduces laser shows and foam machines to boost voter turnout in a spectacular new campaign.
Music
Shudder To Think Announce New EP 'Who Sent You?' Under Intense Federal Subpoena
Transcripts show Shudder To Think announce new EP Who Sent You? as a plea deal to avoid federal racketeering charges.
Business
Stock Futures Rise as Wall Street Invents New Oracle of Delphi
Investors gather on Wall Street to perform ancient rituals, hoping stock futures rise in anticipation of major tech earnings.
Music
Olivia Rodrigo Serena Joy Release Sparks Internal Panic Over Book Reports
An leaked memo shows Interscope executives panicking over the Olivia Rodrigo Serena Joy release and its ties to dystopian literature.
Technology
New Android 17 Feature Simulates Motion Sickness To Build Character
Google releases its new Android 17 feature designed to actively simulate motion sickness on your morning commute.
Music
Federal Agency Issues Swift Surprise Mash-Up Recall After Hearing Causes Sudden Heartburn
The CPSC issued an urgent recall on the Swift surprise mash-up after the Grammy Museum performance caused severe emotional hazards.
Technology
New Mac Mini Memo Details Shrinkage Plans
An internal memo reveals the new Mac Mini must be shrunk down to the exact size of a single grape to please minimalists.
Business
Why Nvidia Stock Is Down: 5 Reasons Analysts Are Panic Selling
Financial analysts reveal the absurd reasons why Nvidia stock is down today, from bad-tasting microchips to a tragic lack of leather jackets.
Music
Mazzy Star Cover Safety Recall Issued After Green Man Festival Incident
Regulators issue a mandatory recall on the Mazzy Star cover performed at Green Man Festival, citing extreme risk of dream-pop drowsiness.
World
U.K. Power Plants Face Cyber Threats From Uniquely Polite Iranian Hackers
U.K. power plants face cyber threats from incredibly polite hackers who apologized for interrupting afternoon tea.
Business
Gary Power Outage Caused by Utility Board Forgetting Electricity Was Real
A court transcript reveals the Gary power outage continues because utility executives believed electricity was just a metaphor for teamwork.
Music
Big Thief Horsepower Setlist Causes Mass Confusion in Brooklyn
Indie folk darlings Big Thief baffled fans by playing the entire Big Thief Horsepower setlist from their upcoming triple album.
Business
Secondary Sanctions Recalled After Accidental Wall Street Ban
Treasury Department issues a recall on new secondary sanctions after they accidentally ban the U.S. dollar.
Music
Stray Kids' DominATE Experience Film Is Recalled Due to Radioactive Level of Charisma
An internal memo reveals Stray Kids' DominATE Experience Blu-ray is being recalled due to dangerously high levels of stage charisma.
Music
Reggie Watts Dropped From Corporate Assets Following Distressing Reports
An internal memo reveals Reggie Watts dropped from corporate assets and podcast intros following distressing reports.